ladybird*

sometimes you are with me when I bike
right in the middle of my eyes
you look through
as if recreating tides

sometimes you rise
stretch my tailbone
cross my neck all along
and silently whisper love and hate words

until you painfully adjust yourself towards an opening
hidden under a golden crown

you tie us by subtle secret  lines
as if a puppet-pendulum
anchored to a bluish-green star
somewhere far away
as far as a single jump-rope swing
which I may call home sometime

is that why you send me signs
while I listen
like that lady bird today …
perfectly matching to the colors of an eloquent orange brown pottery
by which geishas serve

a ceremonial rice bowl the labels tell
exhibited behind glass only
my silhouette
reflected in dim lights
becomes a dance of invisibility
hiding teardrops
along a museum corridor
covered with cherry blossoms

I ignore I say all the stupid signs
continue a play
with the luck bug
alight on my right side
observe its dotted natural beauty
forget all there is around me
oh yes she knows me

I farewell her over a giant photograph of a well respected lady
make it a living part of her brooch and dream away
if – maybe she’d be me
some lifetime ago
and you the lover
of our lingering sad story…

Grace

written and spoken by Alin Diraduryan
photograph by Thomas Amons

recorded and mixed by Alin
cowbells of La Vare by Alin

Grace:

my first steepest path of no return was just before a gorgeous mountain sunset.

a step by step ascending lesson of life and death executes a subconscious mantra in the head.

“let this trail cleanse the left!”
“oh you don’t even know what you wish for” a fallen rock said.

Dangers of naivety soon to become an inconvincible dance
arm in arm with a serpent deep down curling along a 50 minutes line.

What if it would be dark before reach?
No you don’t think that!
You don’t think anything there is not time for.
Make your each step the first full one and the last.
Questioning too is undone by each:
don’t look left, don’t look right, don’t look backs
stand upright, hurry not and move aheads.

He says stand upright dammit
and I repeat
Every word that he says
I repeat.

Stand
I say,
I will,
will stand now again…
Making my sound a guide as if a movie or a dream but none,
it’s for real this time.

Haven’t known sound could have such firing power,
it ‘s a conversion factor,
converts illusive threat jokingly to harsh reality.

Joking helps at moments as such of black and white,
brings in awareness by memorial color
and attention.

Oh If I have ever known have I dared to walk that path?
I presumably would have said: Hey you keep the faith, move ahead,

get slapped by the mountain for a chick tattoo on your forehead.”

or have I maybe known but hushed up by innocence?
… to be granted a new life as if a test!

Is that maybe why two horses heartily blessed me goodbye
after a cup of soup on a traveler’s inn and grounded my burning anxiety?

Life asks to shut the mind, switch off the emotion
Death requires the fantasy of the fright:
a slippery byproduct from the left or the right side.

maybe I play a trick on me

Unless he said … unless you can cross the death.

but happy I am, happy now I did it I say, happy because I am alive I say
and these are mouthful of blubber just!

We both know it had to be done.
A prerequisite to undone a past is no choice and always comes in with a test.
Call it an initiation’s necessity – an immunization so blood knows how to fight
but also invites by incarnating the next – when once vaccinated …

I say let the following be a goddess by the name of Grace
such as is a glimpse of a yellow flower on my thoughtless way
78 degrees to the eye but perception marks its true coordinates
once a priceless confidence is granted through her sudden appearance
she says :
the mountain knows you
trust it so be it then you will see
without depending on your eyes
it is a curly, tunnel like track beneath the crown
light shines through on a straight line
illuminates sides of the caves
all at a moment of now
you shall see whichever path is the truth paved for you only

I am mute since then peacefully empty inside
silent, different, high
as if a part of me stayed at heavenly heights to endlessly be irrigated
I accept
without bringing in past emotions to fill the gap
no I fright not anymore not to have frights or ties
a memory is lost and let me be empty inside

Don’t you forget about me:

For once I have known what it means to be at now and be only now.
For once I appreciated a cobweb on my face at tree level as a sign of my life.
Something that used to be so scary converted to confirmations of existence just.
Oh the fright be a torchlight and yes I have made it indeed or died.


Is that maybe why I feel so high sometimes?
Cannot use my eyes?
Does eating coconut help for some gravity?
My body said to do so recently.

but so anyway I have good news :
that ongoing heartache is gone now 🙂
So wipe off your care about my worrisome insomnia.

And guess what!
Apparently I owe my new health to your new affair!
After I rang your ‘concept of friendship’ bell,
unattended highs dropped ties deep down a steep mountain valley.
Amended a past blasphemy to praise your love only.
It’s like a heart delivery after halved one’s compulsory adversity.

and there I left you under a pine tree
observing me as if nudity
Shine now you the one facing the sun at dawn
beyond that steep valley
where once we danced arm in arm
in laughter and joy and purity
but I slipped –
slipped down  left
towards a darkness lit by mourners’ prayers
was that really a dream?
or have you once again saved my life?

so listen, listen now peacefully to the song of the stream running beneath.
Make that water sound like my spirit
and let me go back to my exile land.

A cow said don’t worry he will be happy
Radio said don’t you forget about me
and I wept
a riverfall of farewell
but NO I cannot take you with me this time
but ditch you to purity
so call it home if you like and be me
as we have always been since eternity.