written and spoken by Alin Diraduryan
photograph by Thomas Amons
recorded and mixed by Alin
cowbells of La Vare by Alin
my first steepest path of no return was just before a gorgeous mountain sunset.
a step by step ascending lesson of life and death executes a subconscious mantra in the head.
“let this trail cleanse the left!”
“oh you don’t even know what you wish for” a fallen rock said.
Dangers of naivety soon to become an inconvincible dance
arm in arm with a serpent deep down curling along a 50 minutes line.
What if it would be dark before reach?
No you don’t think that!
You don’t think anything there is not time for.
Make your each step the first full one and the last.
Questioning too is undone by each:
don’t look left, don’t look right, don’t look backs
stand upright, hurry not and move aheads.
He says stand upright dammit
and I repeat
Every word that he says
will stand now again…
Making my sound a guide as if a movie or a dream but none,
it’s for real this time.
Haven’t known sound could have such firing power,
it ‘s a conversion factor,
converts illusive threat jokingly to harsh reality.
Joking helps at moments as such of black and white,
brings in awareness by memorial color
Oh If I have ever known have I dared to walk that path?
I presumably would have said: Hey you keep the faith, move ahead,
get slapped by the mountain for a chick tattoo on your forehead.”
or have I maybe known but hushed up by innocence?
… to be granted a new life as if a test!
Is that maybe why two horses heartily blessed me goodbye
after a cup of soup on a traveler’s inn and grounded my burning anxiety?
Life asks to shut the mind, switch off the emotion
Death requires the fantasy of the fright:
a slippery byproduct from the left or the right side.
maybe I play a trick on me
Unless he said … unless you can cross the death.
but happy I am, happy now I did it I say, happy because I am alive I say
and these are mouthful of blubber just!
We both know it had to be done.
A prerequisite to undone a past is no choice and always comes in with a test.
Call it an initiation’s necessity – an immunization so blood knows how to fight
but also invites by incarnating the next – when once vaccinated …
I say let the following be a goddess by the name of Grace
such as is a glimpse of a yellow flower on my thoughtless way
78 degrees to the eye but perception marks its true coordinates
once a priceless confidence is granted through her sudden appearance
she says :
the mountain knows you
trust it so be it then you will see
without depending on your eyes
it is a curly, tunnel like track beneath the crown
light shines through on a straight line
illuminates sides of the caves
all at a moment of now
you shall see whichever path is the truth paved for you only
I am mute since then peacefully empty inside
silent, different, high
as if a part of me stayed at heavenly heights to endlessly be irrigated
without bringing in past emotions to fill the gap
no I fright not anymore not to have frights or ties
a memory is lost and let me be empty inside