the Gatekeeper / Only If

I found myself in this program today
Not questioning
Why Why Why … Self Pityingly
I just observe the sky
from where the sun shines

Pale blue lightness resembling
a warm summer day from childhood

sensual memories
without physical cravings
… as I used to do
some years ago
before I died
because I died

Ice cream flavor
without needing to taste
disappearing in the wind
with complementary
delightfully mixed in the suggestion
of the flavor
as if all one thing

of girls
of boys
of moms
of dads
of lovers
of ages
a pass of delicacy
of joy seeker crowds

the sound of my unlived
… what?
Colors – ?
All observed now from a distant star

A few changing clouds here and there
always changing but always staying a few

I reminded to myself who I really am
as I learned yesterday
and yesterday
and yesterday

I looked up and saw a seagull circling the sky
in the same tune of the song in my mind
and wished it won’t disappear
out of my sight
only if it could stay a little longer
and longer
and longer
so that as much as I knew that it knew
it too knew that I knew
by ‘that it knew’
I became it

knowing that it too wishes me out of this program
by the reasons which will become methods
accomplished by my beingness (I ness)
It comes and goes
disappears behind the blue curtain
A blue curtain that resembles the crystals of my true home
where sun shines metallic pale
making shelters from ice in which we recharge

comes and goes yeah
and knows
who I am
it has all the patience of the universe
with his love – generations old
ready to crack a crack at once
that will serve as the gate
one feather
to fly up

‘my feather’
he used to say
lovingly jokingly
making the small girl angry
she wished to be wiser than a feather for him
but I am sure
we both had the same image in mind
I only know now

the gatekeeper
and I

He died too young
I was too young to understand where he went
except for what they said

I believed in what they said and I was right to believe
he waits for me there beyond the clouds
that’s what they said
Jacob the gatekeeper
the lover

the shape-free fountain
the key
gifted knowingly
I shall keep my promise
only if I dare
to pass

only if …
that simple touch

yes only if

Fasulye Pilaki (Turkish /Armenian recipe)


Mom’s recipe as interpreted by my sister and created by me
Served in a Dutch Boerenbont plate!

dry white beans
carrot, sliced in cubes
potato, sliced in cubes
tomatoes, sliced in cubes
olive oil
6 gloves garlic, cut in slices
fresh parsley (or dill) chopped
black pepper

How to prepare:
cook the beans in salty water and let it simmer
replace the salty water and cook again
add garlic, carrot, potatoes, tomatoes, olive oil, salt

cook low heat until ready – 1h to 90 minutes is total preparation time

add fresh parsley on top and black pepper

Serve it cold …mmm

I actually like to dip some bread in it :))
You can combine it with a cold beer.

It is mainly served as  a meze

The Exterminator

Written , video, performed by Alin Diraduryan
Drawings by Thomas Amons

The Exterminator Subs

I think i don’t need to feel guilty that I killed that bloodsucker at the bathroom
Do I ? … MMM but I still do

and I warned it since last night
Kept it there
Showed  the way to the ventilation –
It didn’t go

then I thought maybe that’s not a good exit for flying creatures
Maybe there are spiders waiting and it knows

I did not want it to be trapped so
I left the door open and made an effort
to shut the door of my bedroom

in case you know

because I normally keep the doors open
Didn’t analyze why yet but not so fond of shutting doors –

I also left the balcony door open
one whole day

after that I did the cleaning of the bathroom
even sprayed some odor afterwards

it is not my favorite you know
fake odors

but anyway

just to scare it away
in case it hasn’t gone yet

and I also told her to go away
once silently
once singingly

I cannot imagine after all
the message does not go through

and guess what

after all that effort

it was still there


waiting and buzzing like they  always do


so I attempted to flush it away

I missed first but it has slowed down already somehow
second it was gone and  done

what am I supposed to think about this
that maybe it wanted to die?
and that it wanted me to kill it?

for whatever way

I still feel sad now
replacing the buzzing to inner sobs
sob sob
sob sob

two hours later in the bathroom
damn no damn
still here
you should know what you wish for
you should know what you sob for

one day later in the kitchen
as you found your way out now
I will neatly place you in a jar
let’s see if there is a cardboard
I don’t dare really touching your leg

and off the balcony
go now
and blessed be


Pala Şair

Recreated in 2015 by Alin and thorN

sound & musical composition by thorN

video by Alin – dnalumuland

in memory of Pala Şair – the unforgettable poet of Istikal Caddesi in Istanbul who died in 2008. He cooperated to my art project as a poet and an actor in 2005. Thanks to Poet Pala.

Hey Stranger!

a poetic jamming / improvisation / live created on site
poetry and music created on site
by guitarist Robbert van Nispen and Alin
video mix by Alin


Hey Stranger

Hey Stranger
Where do I know you from?

You just open the door
and come in
Or you have always been there
without my knowing?

Hey Stranger
Where are you from?
Hey Stranger
Where do I know you from?
Sitting by my side
When I think I am just alone

Hey Stranger
Where did you come from?
To share
The campfire

You are just a sparkle
that may
bring the Sunlight
just before the moon is disappearing
to make me
from this
Nicest dream
or am I
with you sitting here?

hey Stranger
Where are you from?
Where did you come from?
Are you real?
or just a dream?
and Stay with me

or making
It’s Loooveee
you go

Go on just
It’s the highway
we’re crossing
until we make
the sinking

will rise somewhere
where might be
a dream
or real
as long
you’re here

Hey Stranger!
Make me Real
Hey Stranger
You’re me
Sitting just
my campfire

Me is Campfire
You is Me is Stranger
Hey Stranger

A Trail of a Smile

Is it you or is it me or is it our destiny
that the weather changes whenever I contact you ??

‘but I am gonna come man
I am gonna come this time
no matter who or what
cause i know it ‘s a set up’

‘like that impossible scenario
of the nationwide delay
or the sudden flat tire
or our burning fire
for dinner maybe -remember?
and we both knew
what needs to be extinguished first’


I have a friend
i know
and we celebrate
in all facets
the change of the seasons
once or twice a year
physics that leaves
a  trail of a smile
at the corner of my mouth
lingering until the next time

he tells stories of fume shapes
that blows in one or two
and fades
as the daylight

more of a focus of a moment –
a surprise
about its visibility
an appearance just
that the daylight too knows me
when I am not afraid to be
what I truly am

stay if you want to
But No
you know me not?
and your new flower
beautiful  she is
and tomorrow

tomorrow is future

I wait in the cover of late night
at a station alone
so peculiar
the sudden appearance of a pigeon
the only not sleeping one by my side  at that time
travellers of
one vertical one horizontal line
but I know why
I smile inside
seeing me smile
from somewhere else
feeling this body
like once in a scary dream
I said “hey but you are dream”
and quickly woke up
but now I am still awake

it also knows  why
‘it feels good’
we know for a moment
then forget
a moment to celebrate
to be kept  alive
for others
to visit and experience
the information preserved in that
seemingly matterless shell
it is a memory thing
you gotta be free to forget
and create
and fully be what you wanna study
without losing the awareness of your thousand selves