She my love

before sunset at Diablerets

photo by Thouartho


Are you so near?

sometimes I miss you
so much so
like a rose could miss deserts
on earth from a lonely planet

sometimes I miss you
without knowing who you are
what you are
driven to you alone – I am all you
the nameless

tears as if an orgasm
flush without knowing
clouds see that I am crying
I try to hide
like a little girl
tears of well learned shame
once knowing….
refusal of that shame
still there

refusal of my fall towards her sensuality
refusal to live her poison in me
refusal to wear her body
refusal to see her friends
refusal to be in her environment
refusal to all
that she refused about herself
refusal was there before she died

and before I got born
then refusal received acceptance for the whatever
then refusal could not bear it and died after her

she died
after seeing him
after leaving him
after losing her period
after losing her sleep
she went on and on
and on
non stopping
she let go off herself
down a mountain

she died
she let go off herself
she said in a pure land
before the gorgeous sunset
she let go off herself

ignoring all that
deteriorating body
she lost access to
parts of it slowly
letting it be used and misused
by herself and the unseen
that she recognized silently
so well
one by one
each one of them at the time
which I met at another place later on

before she died
she dropped her fears with his spirit
down a mountain path

I got born in her body one month after that event
three years after she lost her period
by my birth that body received a period again

it was a magical girl called Marie
Marie came to her two times
to teach her body the asanas

Marie gifted her an orange flower
for the asanas that she could shape her body in
by using her breath so naturally

new breath
a breath that I got born from
a birth that brought a period to this body again
an orange rose is Marie  
a celebration  
a gift of a rebirth – my birth-  

she the silly girl
that could have been the lover of the wind
I am now lost in her life
when trying to be as she
I cannot
she was gifted endlessly
I am not

when I write needlessly like her
when I eat what she likes
needlessly
I call me sick in her life
yes that is what I am supposed to be as her life
I am alien to her
to her room – big room

she never dared to call it a house
as she just managed to camp there
hiding her fears everywhere
in betweens and corners
she was alone
all the time

her dream – only dream was to move away
but she moved away
from her loneliness
towards her isolation
each time she tried
she was dumped back
in a bigger emptier room
full of growing thoughts
made by her

she was alone
all the time
her dream – only dream was to move away

similar is mine
but to move in
to embrace this heart that I carry
I see a face to it
a sad boy lives in my heart
I saw his face yesterday
when I closed my eyes
a sad , angry boy

because she
she carried him as an … attachment
to escape from what she truly is
not allowing herself to be what she truly is

at first there was
a magical pink stone
which she found from the seas
rain – storm – to her surprise
brought the stone to her
from other worlds
where she in reality comes from
her grandmother told this once to her

the pink stone
the magical pink stone
she took from the seas
seas that she meditated to
seas that she bathed in
the pure salty water
seas that blessed her love
gave that pink stone to her
after a rain storm

the pink glittery rocky stone
was made of his heart in reality
he didn’t know

so that he could be with her
all the time
she could not understand how it kept its color all year long
she had a technical education
at the time she refused radically
to believe in  what was scientifically unexplainable
but she lied on that
all there was as knowing has always been in her heart
she always knew what needs to be known before proofs
before happenings
before school
before preachers
before words were born
she always knew

she always knew what she should do
she my love
she my true love
she the goddess of beauty
she the mother of all flowers made of stars
she the healer that lives at the edge of the universe
she the flower field of he

she said – it is proven
all stones coming from the sea
belong to the sea
for their beauty is mingled by which
they are being manifested as
but to her surprise
this one never changed  its color
it stayed as is
with her
all the time

maybe it was meant to heal her heart

so much aching
so heavy
so breathtaking
for such imbalance
she thought

I leave this body now
the universe does not deserve
the poisonous thoughts
produced by its heaviness

what she called
his lovelessness
was his love in truth

his lovelessness
was her own lovelessness
towards herself

in truth
she wanted to kill her fears
to be a match to the one love
in her heart
slowly
pulling her deep down
towards the direction
she so resisted to be pulled in

and then she let go  off herself

yes it comes and goes
her memory
her memories

I try to relate to it
activating some emotions just to study it
as if
as if
I am her

I allow myself miss as she misses
ah so feelingly
but I do not have a story to remember
it can be anything
I just see the energy of it
the potential
I just see I am not she
while using this body
I just know I shall not need to descend
to waste time

the now is different
although may look the same
could look -the same- to her eyes
the now with these objects that she was so much  scared of

I wonder if she even once had
the now
here?

maybe
maybe not
maybe yes
then maybe she is all the healing flower fields that I am born as

growing  all along that one side of the mountain
the highest one in this universe
changing my colors ceaselessly
as a true match
to his iron love
I unconditionally blossom by
on and on and on
as one.

20150816_160612

new eye / wild mountain flower

Marie

Marie

Photo by Alin
written by Alin
written to commemorate all the courageous love
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s