the Gatekeeper / Only If

I found myself in this program today
Not questioning
Why Why Why … Self Pityingly
I just observe the sky
from where the sun shines

Pale blue lightness resembling
a warm summer day from childhood

sensual memories
without physical cravings
… as I used to do
some years ago
before I died
because I died

Ice cream flavor
without needing to taste
disappearing in the wind
with complementary
delightfully mixed in the suggestion
of the flavor
as if all one thing

of girls
of boys
of moms
of dads
of lovers
of ages
a pass of delicacy
of joy seeker crowds

the sound of my unlived
… what?
Colors – ?
All observed now from a distant star

A few changing clouds here and there
always changing but always staying a few

I reminded to myself who I really am
as I learned yesterday
and yesterday
and yesterday

I looked up and saw a seagull circling the sky
in the same tune of the song in my mind
and wished it won’t disappear
out of my sight
only if it could stay a little longer
and longer
and longer
so that as much as I knew that it knew
it too knew that I knew
by ‘that it knew’
I became it

knowing that it too wishes me out of this program
by the reasons which will become methods
accomplished by my beingness (I ness)
It comes and goes
disappears behind the blue curtain
A blue curtain that resembles the crystals of my true home
where sun shines metallic pale
making shelters from ice in which we recharge

comes and goes yeah
and knows
who I am
it has all the patience of the universe
with his love – generations old
ready to crack a crack at once
that will serve as the gate
one feather
to fly up

‘my feather’
he used to say
lovingly jokingly
making the small girl angry
she wished to be wiser than a feather for him
but I am sure
we both had the same image in mind
I only know now

the gatekeeper
and I

He died too young
I was too young to understand where he went
except for what they said

I believed in what they said and I was right to believe
he waits for me there beyond the clouds
that’s what they said
Jacob the gatekeeper
the lover

the shape-free fountain
the key
gifted knowingly
I shall keep my promise
only if I dare
to pass

only if …
that simple touch

yes only if